2015

I liked having a "theme word" for the year in 2014.  My word was "fearless."  When I reflect back I can say with little doubt that I absolutely made progress toward living life in a more fearless way.  I made conscious decisions  aimed at achieving this goal and I am proud and happy to say that I did.  This year my theme word will be "wellness."  The definition is a perfect explanation of what I want in the new year: "the quality or state of being healthy in body and mind, especially as the result of deliberate effort."

It's kind of a strange thing having set a goal and achieved it (though I feel like being fearless will always be a work in progress, I certainly have made great strides and will continue to do so).   I have never been one to set goals and actually follow through.   It makes me feel powerful and confident, two feelings that have been foreign to me for most of my life.  The "I can do anything I put my mind to" mindset is one that I never want to lose, so, I will continue to set goals, some big, some small, and I will reflect in a positive way, on the person I am becoming.  

Being healthy in mind and body are two things that I believe are deeply connected.  I am well on my way to a healthy mind.  I believe that continuing to work in that direction will have nothing but a positive effect on creating a healthy body.  To that end, I will continue to set goals; big, small, short and long term, and I will do what I have been doing all year: make decisions that help me achieve them.

There are many reasons behind why I chose the word "wellness" as my personal theme word for the year.  I want to feel better and look better are two big ones.  However, one of the biggest is my belief that in order to fulfill my purpose here on earth, though yet undefined,  I need to "be" better.  If I am not giving the best to myself, I will be incapable of giving it to others.  And, though I am still not quite sure what it is, I do know that my purpose here has, in some big way, something to do with giving back to the "world" that has given so much to me.  

For more on my inspiration behind this year's theme word and to follow me along on my journey, please join my new Facebook group!  https://www.facebook.com/groups/mirrormirroronthedojowall/

Life Explained

I suppose the old adage, "It's never too late" really is true, but do you ever wonder why lessons come so "late" in life?  Something happens and you think, "Hmm...wish I had known this, heard that, thought about this etc. back when I blah blah blah."  This sort of thing happens to me all of the time. Is it a "late thirties" thing (ok almost 40)?  Here are some of the things I wish I knew back when...

-Sometimes you think you know exactly where your life is headed.  Sometimes you are right.  I would venture to say most of the time you are not.  And that's ok.  Sometimes the path is clear.  Sometimes there are obstacles.  Sometimes there are forks.  Sometimes you have to forge through the forest.  There might be people on your path for some of the time.  They may go astray.  That is ok too.  If they are meant to walk with you they will.  There might be some parts of in the journey in which you feel completely alone.  Maybe you are.  Just keep moving.  Many times, your final destination changes.  Different paths emerge.  Obstacles force you to take a new road.  Just let it happen.  Ultimately you will get to where you need to be, where you are supposed to be.

-"People will hate you, shake you, rate you and break you, but how strong you stand will make you." No one knows you like you know you.  In the end that is all that matters.  Know yourself and love what you know.  If you don't love what you know, work harder than ever to change it so you do. It will be hard but it will be worth it.  Trust me on this one.

-In every situation GO WITH YOUR GUT.  Yes, I am "yelling" that one.  It's probably the most important thing I will say in this whole entry.  Trust yourself.  Don't let anyone make you second guess yourself.  Just do it.

-Sometimes it just feels "right" to eat a bag of chips.  Like a whole bag.  With french onion dip.  Yeah, maybe you need to lose 50 pounds and maybe the greasy mess will do nothing for your complexion but trust me when I say one bag of chips is not going to kill you.   Every once in a while just splurge.  And I am not saying that I am doing that right now or anything.  Ok maybe I am (minus the french onion dip dammit) but you know what, I refuse to worry about it.

- Don't let anyone dull your sparkle!  This quote explains:  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  ~Marianne Williamson~

-Forget about all of the reasons it won't work and focus on the one reason it will.  Just be positive.  Think positive.  Change your self talk from I can't, to I can.  

-Coffee is life.  Up there on the same level of importance as oxygen.  Functioning without it may actually be possible but not recommended.

-Every once in a while, Mom did have a good idea.  

-When you have kids you will wish you could teach them all of these life lessons (and then some) now. You will to some degree try.  They won't listen (or at least you won't think they are).  Then someday, perhaps when they too are in their late 30's they will come to some of these realizations (as well as some of there own).  "You have to hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because most of life's lessons are best learned in pain."

Project Life

It's official.  I need a "project."  For a long time it was to draft a resume and cover letter.  I did that, applied for a job and have been looking for one as well. Then, I set up this huge picture related project scanning a bunch of old photos in to my computer and then sorting all pictures in to specific folders.  I am done with that too.  Next the project was to read up on gardening and plant vegetable seeds.  I am done with that.  The living room and dining room closets needed a major overhaul.  Done.

If you were to ask me to pick one of the biggest things I miss about my "old life" one thing would be always being busy and having some sort of project to work on.  I didn't even have to look for something to do...there was just always something ready to go as soon as I finished with another.  I am not sure that I miss being as busy as I was but I for sure miss having a "cause" to champion and the work associated with it. This is why I know I would be successful in a busy office setting when it comes to the job search.   Making/taking phone calls, scheduling meetings, writing press releases, public relations, developing and distributing informational materials,  event scheduling...all things I did as a volunteer and all things that I know I will be able to implement going forward.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the many various ways I could still volunteer in the community.  I still believe, despite all that has happened, that volunteering is at the core of my being and something that has been missing in my life for the past year.  It is hard to explain really but there is a part of me that is literally bursting at the seams, itching to get back "out there" in some way or another as a volunteer.  Like I said, I miss having a "cause to champion."  Lately, the causing I have been championing has been myself, which really has been a long time coming...taking care of myself emotionally has been a thing that had been neglected for much to long.  I suppose it is a sign of growth that I am mentally at a point that I feel I can continue to take care of me and add volunteering back in to the mix.  And, I know that I can balance the two (something I have been unable to do in the past so the easier of the two (volunteering) always won out).

I guess the next project can be looking for a volunteer opportunity that appeals to me.  I suspect finding the opportunity will not be difficult.  I won't pretend that actually taking the next step and volunteering will be easy because as well as I am doing mentally, there is still a lot of "junk" that needs sorting out up there.  Especially the junk that is concerned with how people may react to my getting back in to the mix.  Most people probably won't think anything of it and those that do...well I just need to remember that how other people treat me is their path and how I react is mine.  Besides, if there is anyone that thinks that what ever volunteer cause I dedicate myself to is not being done on my part out of pure goodness of heart, well that says a heck of a lot more about them than it does me.

Anxiety

I feel it in my gut.  Most of the time I am able to quell it by distracting myself, listening to music, writing or getting outside.  There are only a few situations in which none of my tricks work.   One such situation is when I do anything remotely related to looking for a job.  I don't know how to explain it really.  In my head, I think it is a good idea.  I go so far as to pull out my "job search materials" and get set up to begin.  Suddenly, I am so overwhelmed I end up doing nothing at all.  It is immediate.  My insides get that oh so uncomfortable butterflies feeling, accompanied sometimes by nausea, always  in conjunction with feeling like I am going to explode.   I don't think there is only one cause for this.  It is a few things; my recent history, my having been out of the "workforce" for 10 years, my concern about whether or not my immense amount of volunteer work will even count for anything given my situation, and perhaps foremost, my complete and total lack of self-confidence in this area.

For some reason in this is one of the few scenarios in my life where I can't manage to think positive.  Even in the most dire of situations I am usually able to pull something positive from it, even if it is just one tiny thing.  In addition to the above mentioned anxiety causing things, I also wonder how the scheduling will work.  Who will get Julia off of the bus if Emily is working and Katie stays after?  Will I even get a job that would mean me making enough money to pay for some after school care program for Julia or will I be working just to pay for after school care (which would make no sense obviously)?  What about when Ryun is working the late shift and isn't home to shuffle the kids to and from work, Girl Scouts, dance, and sports?   What about my counseling appointments and  various appointments for the kids?  How am I going to work and "manage" our lives?  The list goes on and on.

A lot of that is probably related to me not being comfortable with giving up some control.   I can recognize and admit that.  Still, some of the logistics do leave me worrying on some level but I know that people do figure it out and make it work.   I also know that as a "planner" and oddly the only area of my life where I feel completely organized and together,  I can make a schedule work like nobody's business.

Who Knew?

I have made no secret about my general lack of understanding regarding math beyond the basics (read: algebra).  Well, lately, Katie has been struggling with just that and we have been sitting together for literally hours at a time working on this.  I am in awe of how much more patience I have for this type of thinking.  I don't ever remember giving it this much consideration in school.  I am sure it comes with being an adult and the very obvious desire to help my own child to succeed.  Yes, my brain literally hurts when trying to help figure some of this out but the fact that I have been able to spend the time with it and actually get some problems right is nothing short of miraculous.

Anyway, it made me think that it has been some time since I have had to use my brain like that, at least in an academic sort of way.  It also, despite the still ever-present frustration surrounding it, felt good.   I know.  Obviously, I have lost it.  Using my mind in an academic, critical thinking sort of way surrounding math actually felt good?  Can someone check to see if hell has frozen over?

Here's the other realization.  It turns out my mother, my teachers, and all of the studies that have probably been done about this very subject were, gasp, right!  Math does help develop critical thinking skills.  In some cases (mine) it also helps develop headaches and stress (interestingly enough that part was left out but I digress).  It may have taken me 20+ years to realize this but I think that is true of quite a few things you are told/taught when you are younger and think you know everything.

Mom?  Ms. Alexander?  Mr. O'Connor?  Ms. Drohan?  Are you reading this?

School On The Brain

Conversations with/ comments from Julia this morning:

 "Mom, I think if Mrs. H agrees, I am going to ask her if I can stay in for recess and work on my read to self journal.  I am nervous that I will not have time to finish it after my morning work and it is due on Friday."   Sometimes I think she has just the right combination of motivation and anxiety...other times I worry the anxiety/worry will overtake her. 

"Mrs. H has been very generous with our class recently.  For example, I needed to finish my Patriot/Loyalist writing so she gave me extra time when I finished my math worksheet."

"Mom, there is a fourth grade student on my bus who can be verbally abusive!  She is always swearing and she made a little second grader cry!"

"I am not looking forward to art class today.  Last week, we were very rude to Mrs. W when she was teaching us. "  When I asked Julia if she was being rude she said, "Of course not but when Mrs. H talked to our class after art she said," I am very disappointed right now."  That means she is mad at all of us because if she was only disappointed with a specific person or people she would have only spoken to them not the whole class."

Things I learned this morning:

1.  Julia had school on the brain.

2.  After every conversation I have with Julia I realize more and more how adult-like she sounds, despite being 9 years old.  It's interesting, sometimes funny and sometimes worrisome.

3.  I am continually amazed with her ability to use phrases and words that seem beyond her years appropriately in sentences...verbally abusive, specific person, for example, etc.

The Three C's

When something is so frustrating it takes just the mere mention of it to get your blood to the boiling point, how exactly do you calm down enough to stay sensible?  I often thank God for my calm, cool and collected nature but even I get to a point where I just want to hit things.  Hard.  I guess that is where the three c's come in...I feel like hitting things but I don't actually do it.  Meditative music, getting outdoors, and every once in a while a good cry does the trick.  Sometimes it is just facing the problem head in in an "I am woman hear me roar" kind of way.  Admittedly, though this is probably not therapeutic in the healing sense, sometimes, it is just ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away on it's own.   It never usually does.

Donuts?

I have symbolic dreams all the time and I love to look up their meaning.  Most of the time the symbol in the dream is glaringly obvious...sometimes it is something that doesn't seem to belong or is out of place, sometimes is it just such a strange thing to dream about, and sometimes whatever symbol it is flows with the dream perfectly and is a key piece in the dream.  I have never once had a dream in which the symbol was not relevant in some way to my waking life.  

Last night, I had a dream that otherwise was not significant but quickly flashed to a table with an assortment of donuts on it.  I knew the donuts were a symbol, and I was right.   It still surprises me, though it happens all of the time when a dream matches up perfectly with my waking life. 

"To see a doughnut in your dream represents the Self. It suggests that you may be feeling lost and still trying to find yourself and your purpose in life. Alternatively, it refers to growth, development and nurturing. You are not yet completely whole."

Dream

Last night I had a dream in which the main symbol was a desk.  That was pretty much the only relevant part of the dream but here is what it means to see a desk in a dream:  To see or sit at your desk in your dream suggests that you are evaluating and weighing your problems. It is indicative of self-exploration and discovery.

Interesting. 

Scheduling Sanity

Sometimes, I wonder how it is all supposed to fit in while still trying to eat dinner at a normal hour and getting Julia to bed by 8:30 or so.  I don't think my kids are over scheduled.  Emily has work and Girl Scouts (STUCO when her schedule allows which is not often), Katie has Girl Scouts and basketball, and Julia has dance and Girl Scouts (basketball is not looking like something she will be sticking with but that remains to be seen).

I just went through the February calendar to "plug in" swimming with Julia where we could fit it in.  On the weeks that Ryun works the late shift it will be all but impossible.  Even on the weeks where he is early the only time would be right after school (which is when I usually start cooking) and even then we can't go Tuesdays or Wednesdays.  I have my meetings on Tuesday and she has dance on Wednesday which means she does homework right after school because she doesn't get home until just after 8.   Let's not even talk about the amount of homework she gets.  She has Spelling and/or ELA as well as Math nightly.  In addition she has to read for 25 minutes then answer a question in her reading journal AND spend 15-20 minutes practicing multiplication and division.  Really? This is third grade (thank you Common Core and standardized testing).

Emily would also like to use the Y but that will be on weekends only because of her work schedule.  She doesn't get home until 6PM or so.  Starting next week with the new semester starting at MHS she will have three classes (ELA, History and Spanish) in which she will have homework.  She had an "easy semester" for the first half of the year which involved little to no homework.  Basically, she will be coming home, eating dinner and doing homework.   If she has any free time after that, it will be too late in the evening to visit the Y.  Katie, for the most part, should be able to join Julia and I when we go.

I have all but given up on the idea of the five of us sitting down and eating together during the week.  The weekend is much easier in that respect but otherwise it would take an act of God, or us sitting down at 9PM on some nights which is past Julia's bedtime and pretty close to Ryun's, especially if he is working early (4:30AM wake up).  Nevermind eating together...if I am going to the Y after school, and shuffling kids to and fro, when the heck am I going to cook it?  I am a big fan of the crock pot but even that gets old sometimes.

So how on earth do people do this?  Especially single parents who also work (I am in awe of you by the way).  Being at home during the day is nice in some respects but it really has little to no benefit on the other end of the day when all of the craziness starts.  I don't even know how it will all come together when I do get a job, unless my some miracle I find one that is part time, flexible and/or work from home.

What tips and tricks do you have for managing it all?

Say What?

Last night was one of those nights.  I couldn't shut my mind off, couldn't get comfortable and probably slept for a total of two hours.  These nights are a blessing in disguise.  Sleeping wise, they are awful but these nights always coincide with my most telling dreams.  Last night was no different.

  The dream started with Ryun and I talking in the kitchen.  I was telling him about the weird headache I had.  It was  almost like it was behind my ear but not like an ear infection.   It was intense pressure and almost felt like something was lodged in my head.  He didn't have any idea what it could be.  As we were talking, clear liquid, with the consistency of Vaseline starting pouring from my ear.  By pouring I mean a faucet on full blast.  I was sitting there, perfectly calmly, catching it in my hand as if this happened everyday.  The more that came out, the better my head felt.

I am getting pretty good at interpreting my dreams with out having to look them up.  I knew the minute I woke that this dream was symbolic in the sense that the ear fluid that was draining at impressive speed was indicative of all of the negative thoughts leaving, making room for the the positive to come in.  When my ear was full and the pressure in my head was intense it was preventing me from hearing something...the something being the positive thoughts and "I am" statements.

I love when my dreams "talk to me."  It happens frequently and is I think the time that I am most in tune with myself.