Project Life

It's official.  I need a "project."  For a long time it was to draft a resume and cover letter.  I did that, applied for a job and have been looking for one as well. Then, I set up this huge picture related project scanning a bunch of old photos in to my computer and then sorting all pictures in to specific folders.  I am done with that too.  Next the project was to read up on gardening and plant vegetable seeds.  I am done with that.  The living room and dining room closets needed a major overhaul.  Done.

If you were to ask me to pick one of the biggest things I miss about my "old life" one thing would be always being busy and having some sort of project to work on.  I didn't even have to look for something to do...there was just always something ready to go as soon as I finished with another.  I am not sure that I miss being as busy as I was but I for sure miss having a "cause" to champion and the work associated with it. This is why I know I would be successful in a busy office setting when it comes to the job search.   Making/taking phone calls, scheduling meetings, writing press releases, public relations, developing and distributing informational materials,  event scheduling...all things I did as a volunteer and all things that I know I will be able to implement going forward.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the many various ways I could still volunteer in the community.  I still believe, despite all that has happened, that volunteering is at the core of my being and something that has been missing in my life for the past year.  It is hard to explain really but there is a part of me that is literally bursting at the seams, itching to get back "out there" in some way or another as a volunteer.  Like I said, I miss having a "cause to champion."  Lately, the causing I have been championing has been myself, which really has been a long time coming...taking care of myself emotionally has been a thing that had been neglected for much to long.  I suppose it is a sign of growth that I am mentally at a point that I feel I can continue to take care of me and add volunteering back in to the mix.  And, I know that I can balance the two (something I have been unable to do in the past so the easier of the two (volunteering) always won out).

I guess the next project can be looking for a volunteer opportunity that appeals to me.  I suspect finding the opportunity will not be difficult.  I won't pretend that actually taking the next step and volunteering will be easy because as well as I am doing mentally, there is still a lot of "junk" that needs sorting out up there.  Especially the junk that is concerned with how people may react to my getting back in to the mix.  Most people probably won't think anything of it and those that do...well I just need to remember that how other people treat me is their path and how I react is mine.  Besides, if there is anyone that thinks that what ever volunteer cause I dedicate myself to is not being done on my part out of pure goodness of heart, well that says a heck of a lot more about them than it does me.

Anxiety

I feel it in my gut.  Most of the time I am able to quell it by distracting myself, listening to music, writing or getting outside.  There are only a few situations in which none of my tricks work.   One such situation is when I do anything remotely related to looking for a job.  I don't know how to explain it really.  In my head, I think it is a good idea.  I go so far as to pull out my "job search materials" and get set up to begin.  Suddenly, I am so overwhelmed I end up doing nothing at all.  It is immediate.  My insides get that oh so uncomfortable butterflies feeling, accompanied sometimes by nausea, always  in conjunction with feeling like I am going to explode.   I don't think there is only one cause for this.  It is a few things; my recent history, my having been out of the "workforce" for 10 years, my concern about whether or not my immense amount of volunteer work will even count for anything given my situation, and perhaps foremost, my complete and total lack of self-confidence in this area.

For some reason in this is one of the few scenarios in my life where I can't manage to think positive.  Even in the most dire of situations I am usually able to pull something positive from it, even if it is just one tiny thing.  In addition to the above mentioned anxiety causing things, I also wonder how the scheduling will work.  Who will get Julia off of the bus if Emily is working and Katie stays after?  Will I even get a job that would mean me making enough money to pay for some after school care program for Julia or will I be working just to pay for after school care (which would make no sense obviously)?  What about when Ryun is working the late shift and isn't home to shuffle the kids to and from work, Girl Scouts, dance, and sports?   What about my counseling appointments and  various appointments for the kids?  How am I going to work and "manage" our lives?  The list goes on and on.

A lot of that is probably related to me not being comfortable with giving up some control.   I can recognize and admit that.  Still, some of the logistics do leave me worrying on some level but I know that people do figure it out and make it work.   I also know that as a "planner" and oddly the only area of my life where I feel completely organized and together,  I can make a schedule work like nobody's business.