On Being Fearless

Though I am still somewhat in denial that the year is over, as 2013 fades quickly away, I find myself looking forward to the new year with much anticipation.  2013 was, to put it mildly, a rough year for me.  With legal troubles and medical scares playing out in dramatic ways during the second quarter of the year, I found myself spending many moments in deep self reflection.  When both situations resolved with the best outcome possible, I felt as though I had been handed back my life, a life that for a while there seemed to be headed in a very different direction from one I had ever envisioned for myself.  

Over the last eight months, self reflection has been a daily thing for me.  Most of the time I have tried to focus more on the future than on the past.  Yes, I have moments that involve self doubt, and yes, even self loathing.  Mostly though, I try to focus on how far I have come, and the many positive steps I have taken to get myself on the right track, heading in the right direction.  I often wonder how this time will have a different outcome than the others; then my intuition kicks in and I just know.  This time just feels different; better, right.  This time I have "stuck" to my plan; gone to counseling, gone to meetings, and done a lot of reading, and taken my medicine.  This time also happens to have been worse than all of the others.  This time was the proverbial rock bottom.  

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I got to this point in my life.  The one place I keep arriving at is fear.  I don't know how to explain it really.  There are just so many things that I do, and so many that I don't because I am afraid.   What will people think?  What will I think?  What will happen if...?  I can't do this or that because...  If I do this...   There have been so many missed opportunities, so many poor decisions and so many things left undone because I was too afraid of what might happen.   

So, at this time of year, when making resolutions is commonplace, I decided to do something a little different.  I decided to pick one word that will define me in 2014.  The word I chose is "fearless."  This quote explains perfectly what I mean:  "The truly fearless are not the ones who never felt fear.  They simply reject the idea that fear should be their master."  Yes, I will still be afraid but I will not let my fear rule me.   I will be afraid, but I will do it anyway.  

In addition to being fearless, I came up with a few other "words" that I will focus on.  I have a feeling if I forge through the fear, there will be nothing I can't do...including all of the common resolutions like losing weight, getting healthy etc.   Here they are: 

Bite my tongue.  Speak up.  Make an impact.  Be grateful.  Be creative.  Stay strong.  Dream big.  Lie in the grass.  Imagine.  Smile more.  Pray.  Listen.  Try new things.  Forgive.  Forget. Volunteer.  Learn something new.  Read more.  Write.  Drink more water. Let go.  Let people in.  Say no.  Don’t be afraid to yes.  Take pictures.  Step out of my comfort zone.  Laugh more.  Spread joy.  Keep it simple.  Relax.  Inspire.  Be awesome.  Blog.  Share.  Multi-task less and focus more.  Walk.  Compliment.  Be confident. LOVE MYSELF.

So here's to a fearless 2014...a year in which I will move forward; forge through the fear and over to the other side...where I am sure many good and wonderful things await.

Now Leaving On Track 7

I love when my dreams reflect or otherwise speak to my waking life.  Last night's dream was me, in a train station, feeling hurried to make sure I made my train.  I was running through the station, wondering if I should stop to use the bathroom first, mentally going through a checklist in my head to make sure I had everything I needed, and questioning whether or not I was going to make it.  All the while, there was a tiny voice in my head that kept telling me to slow down and stop worrying...I would get there.  Seeing/being in a train station indicates that your life is in some sort of transitional period...talk about hitting the nail on the head.  The rushing to make sure I got to my train was a perfect representation of something I just talked to my counselor about last week.  I basically told her that even though I can look back over the past eight months and see the changes I have made, that I still feel sort of stuck and like things are not happening fast enough.  She felt differently...like I had made major progress and that I just needed to be patient.  If I keep doing what I am doing on my personal path to wellness, it, whatever it is, will come.  Even though that is sometimes hard to see, I think she is right.