Anxiety

I feel it in my gut.  Most of the time I am able to quell it by distracting myself, listening to music, writing or getting outside.  There are only a few situations in which none of my tricks work.   One such situation is when I do anything remotely related to looking for a job.  I don't know how to explain it really.  In my head, I think it is a good idea.  I go so far as to pull out my "job search materials" and get set up to begin.  Suddenly, I am so overwhelmed I end up doing nothing at all.  It is immediate.  My insides get that oh so uncomfortable butterflies feeling, accompanied sometimes by nausea, always  in conjunction with feeling like I am going to explode.   I don't think there is only one cause for this.  It is a few things; my recent history, my having been out of the "workforce" for 10 years, my concern about whether or not my immense amount of volunteer work will even count for anything given my situation, and perhaps foremost, my complete and total lack of self-confidence in this area.

For some reason in this is one of the few scenarios in my life where I can't manage to think positive.  Even in the most dire of situations I am usually able to pull something positive from it, even if it is just one tiny thing.  In addition to the above mentioned anxiety causing things, I also wonder how the scheduling will work.  Who will get Julia off of the bus if Emily is working and Katie stays after?  Will I even get a job that would mean me making enough money to pay for some after school care program for Julia or will I be working just to pay for after school care (which would make no sense obviously)?  What about when Ryun is working the late shift and isn't home to shuffle the kids to and from work, Girl Scouts, dance, and sports?   What about my counseling appointments and  various appointments for the kids?  How am I going to work and "manage" our lives?  The list goes on and on.

A lot of that is probably related to me not being comfortable with giving up some control.   I can recognize and admit that.  Still, some of the logistics do leave me worrying on some level but I know that people do figure it out and make it work.   I also know that as a "planner" and oddly the only area of my life where I feel completely organized and together,  I can make a schedule work like nobody's business.