The Three C's

When something is so frustrating it takes just the mere mention of it to get your blood to the boiling point, how exactly do you calm down enough to stay sensible?  I often thank God for my calm, cool and collected nature but even I get to a point where I just want to hit things.  Hard.  I guess that is where the three c's come in...I feel like hitting things but I don't actually do it.  Meditative music, getting outdoors, and every once in a while a good cry does the trick.  Sometimes it is just facing the problem head in in an "I am woman hear me roar" kind of way.  Admittedly, though this is probably not therapeutic in the healing sense, sometimes, it is just ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away on it's own.   It never usually does.

Donuts?

I have symbolic dreams all the time and I love to look up their meaning.  Most of the time the symbol in the dream is glaringly obvious...sometimes it is something that doesn't seem to belong or is out of place, sometimes is it just such a strange thing to dream about, and sometimes whatever symbol it is flows with the dream perfectly and is a key piece in the dream.  I have never once had a dream in which the symbol was not relevant in some way to my waking life.  

Last night, I had a dream that otherwise was not significant but quickly flashed to a table with an assortment of donuts on it.  I knew the donuts were a symbol, and I was right.   It still surprises me, though it happens all of the time when a dream matches up perfectly with my waking life. 

"To see a doughnut in your dream represents the Self. It suggests that you may be feeling lost and still trying to find yourself and your purpose in life. Alternatively, it refers to growth, development and nurturing. You are not yet completely whole."

Dream

Last night I had a dream in which the main symbol was a desk.  That was pretty much the only relevant part of the dream but here is what it means to see a desk in a dream:  To see or sit at your desk in your dream suggests that you are evaluating and weighing your problems. It is indicative of self-exploration and discovery.

Interesting. 

Scheduling Sanity

Sometimes, I wonder how it is all supposed to fit in while still trying to eat dinner at a normal hour and getting Julia to bed by 8:30 or so.  I don't think my kids are over scheduled.  Emily has work and Girl Scouts (STUCO when her schedule allows which is not often), Katie has Girl Scouts and basketball, and Julia has dance and Girl Scouts (basketball is not looking like something she will be sticking with but that remains to be seen).

I just went through the February calendar to "plug in" swimming with Julia where we could fit it in.  On the weeks that Ryun works the late shift it will be all but impossible.  Even on the weeks where he is early the only time would be right after school (which is when I usually start cooking) and even then we can't go Tuesdays or Wednesdays.  I have my meetings on Tuesday and she has dance on Wednesday which means she does homework right after school because she doesn't get home until just after 8.   Let's not even talk about the amount of homework she gets.  She has Spelling and/or ELA as well as Math nightly.  In addition she has to read for 25 minutes then answer a question in her reading journal AND spend 15-20 minutes practicing multiplication and division.  Really? This is third grade (thank you Common Core and standardized testing).

Emily would also like to use the Y but that will be on weekends only because of her work schedule.  She doesn't get home until 6PM or so.  Starting next week with the new semester starting at MHS she will have three classes (ELA, History and Spanish) in which she will have homework.  She had an "easy semester" for the first half of the year which involved little to no homework.  Basically, she will be coming home, eating dinner and doing homework.   If she has any free time after that, it will be too late in the evening to visit the Y.  Katie, for the most part, should be able to join Julia and I when we go.

I have all but given up on the idea of the five of us sitting down and eating together during the week.  The weekend is much easier in that respect but otherwise it would take an act of God, or us sitting down at 9PM on some nights which is past Julia's bedtime and pretty close to Ryun's, especially if he is working early (4:30AM wake up).  Nevermind eating together...if I am going to the Y after school, and shuffling kids to and fro, when the heck am I going to cook it?  I am a big fan of the crock pot but even that gets old sometimes.

So how on earth do people do this?  Especially single parents who also work (I am in awe of you by the way).  Being at home during the day is nice in some respects but it really has little to no benefit on the other end of the day when all of the craziness starts.  I don't even know how it will all come together when I do get a job, unless my some miracle I find one that is part time, flexible and/or work from home.

What tips and tricks do you have for managing it all?

Say What?

Last night was one of those nights.  I couldn't shut my mind off, couldn't get comfortable and probably slept for a total of two hours.  These nights are a blessing in disguise.  Sleeping wise, they are awful but these nights always coincide with my most telling dreams.  Last night was no different.

  The dream started with Ryun and I talking in the kitchen.  I was telling him about the weird headache I had.  It was  almost like it was behind my ear but not like an ear infection.   It was intense pressure and almost felt like something was lodged in my head.  He didn't have any idea what it could be.  As we were talking, clear liquid, with the consistency of Vaseline starting pouring from my ear.  By pouring I mean a faucet on full blast.  I was sitting there, perfectly calmly, catching it in my hand as if this happened everyday.  The more that came out, the better my head felt.

I am getting pretty good at interpreting my dreams with out having to look them up.  I knew the minute I woke that this dream was symbolic in the sense that the ear fluid that was draining at impressive speed was indicative of all of the negative thoughts leaving, making room for the the positive to come in.  When my ear was full and the pressure in my head was intense it was preventing me from hearing something...the something being the positive thoughts and "I am" statements.

I love when my dreams "talk to me."  It happens frequently and is I think the time that I am most in tune with myself.

On Being Fearless

Though I am still somewhat in denial that the year is over, as 2013 fades quickly away, I find myself looking forward to the new year with much anticipation.  2013 was, to put it mildly, a rough year for me.  With legal troubles and medical scares playing out in dramatic ways during the second quarter of the year, I found myself spending many moments in deep self reflection.  When both situations resolved with the best outcome possible, I felt as though I had been handed back my life, a life that for a while there seemed to be headed in a very different direction from one I had ever envisioned for myself.  

Over the last eight months, self reflection has been a daily thing for me.  Most of the time I have tried to focus more on the future than on the past.  Yes, I have moments that involve self doubt, and yes, even self loathing.  Mostly though, I try to focus on how far I have come, and the many positive steps I have taken to get myself on the right track, heading in the right direction.  I often wonder how this time will have a different outcome than the others; then my intuition kicks in and I just know.  This time just feels different; better, right.  This time I have "stuck" to my plan; gone to counseling, gone to meetings, and done a lot of reading, and taken my medicine.  This time also happens to have been worse than all of the others.  This time was the proverbial rock bottom.  

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I got to this point in my life.  The one place I keep arriving at is fear.  I don't know how to explain it really.  There are just so many things that I do, and so many that I don't because I am afraid.   What will people think?  What will I think?  What will happen if...?  I can't do this or that because...  If I do this...   There have been so many missed opportunities, so many poor decisions and so many things left undone because I was too afraid of what might happen.   

So, at this time of year, when making resolutions is commonplace, I decided to do something a little different.  I decided to pick one word that will define me in 2014.  The word I chose is "fearless."  This quote explains perfectly what I mean:  "The truly fearless are not the ones who never felt fear.  They simply reject the idea that fear should be their master."  Yes, I will still be afraid but I will not let my fear rule me.   I will be afraid, but I will do it anyway.  

In addition to being fearless, I came up with a few other "words" that I will focus on.  I have a feeling if I forge through the fear, there will be nothing I can't do...including all of the common resolutions like losing weight, getting healthy etc.   Here they are: 

Bite my tongue.  Speak up.  Make an impact.  Be grateful.  Be creative.  Stay strong.  Dream big.  Lie in the grass.  Imagine.  Smile more.  Pray.  Listen.  Try new things.  Forgive.  Forget. Volunteer.  Learn something new.  Read more.  Write.  Drink more water. Let go.  Let people in.  Say no.  Don’t be afraid to yes.  Take pictures.  Step out of my comfort zone.  Laugh more.  Spread joy.  Keep it simple.  Relax.  Inspire.  Be awesome.  Blog.  Share.  Multi-task less and focus more.  Walk.  Compliment.  Be confident. LOVE MYSELF.

So here's to a fearless 2014...a year in which I will move forward; forge through the fear and over to the other side...where I am sure many good and wonderful things await.

Now Leaving On Track 7

I love when my dreams reflect or otherwise speak to my waking life.  Last night's dream was me, in a train station, feeling hurried to make sure I made my train.  I was running through the station, wondering if I should stop to use the bathroom first, mentally going through a checklist in my head to make sure I had everything I needed, and questioning whether or not I was going to make it.  All the while, there was a tiny voice in my head that kept telling me to slow down and stop worrying...I would get there.  Seeing/being in a train station indicates that your life is in some sort of transitional period...talk about hitting the nail on the head.  The rushing to make sure I got to my train was a perfect representation of something I just talked to my counselor about last week.  I basically told her that even though I can look back over the past eight months and see the changes I have made, that I still feel sort of stuck and like things are not happening fast enough.  She felt differently...like I had made major progress and that I just needed to be patient.  If I keep doing what I am doing on my personal path to wellness, it, whatever it is, will come.  Even though that is sometimes hard to see, I think she is right.