On Being Fearless

Though I am still somewhat in denial that the year is over, as 2013 fades quickly away, I find myself looking forward to the new year with much anticipation.  2013 was, to put it mildly, a rough year for me.  With legal troubles and medical scares playing out in dramatic ways during the second quarter of the year, I found myself spending many moments in deep self reflection.  When both situations resolved with the best outcome possible, I felt as though I had been handed back my life, a life that for a while there seemed to be headed in a very different direction from one I had ever envisioned for myself.  

Over the last eight months, self reflection has been a daily thing for me.  Most of the time I have tried to focus more on the future than on the past.  Yes, I have moments that involve self doubt, and yes, even self loathing.  Mostly though, I try to focus on how far I have come, and the many positive steps I have taken to get myself on the right track, heading in the right direction.  I often wonder how this time will have a different outcome than the others; then my intuition kicks in and I just know.  This time just feels different; better, right.  This time I have "stuck" to my plan; gone to counseling, gone to meetings, and done a lot of reading, and taken my medicine.  This time also happens to have been worse than all of the others.  This time was the proverbial rock bottom.  

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I got to this point in my life.  The one place I keep arriving at is fear.  I don't know how to explain it really.  There are just so many things that I do, and so many that I don't because I am afraid.   What will people think?  What will I think?  What will happen if...?  I can't do this or that because...  If I do this...   There have been so many missed opportunities, so many poor decisions and so many things left undone because I was too afraid of what might happen.   

So, at this time of year, when making resolutions is commonplace, I decided to do something a little different.  I decided to pick one word that will define me in 2014.  The word I chose is "fearless."  This quote explains perfectly what I mean:  "The truly fearless are not the ones who never felt fear.  They simply reject the idea that fear should be their master."  Yes, I will still be afraid but I will not let my fear rule me.   I will be afraid, but I will do it anyway.  

In addition to being fearless, I came up with a few other "words" that I will focus on.  I have a feeling if I forge through the fear, there will be nothing I can't do...including all of the common resolutions like losing weight, getting healthy etc.   Here they are: 

Bite my tongue.  Speak up.  Make an impact.  Be grateful.  Be creative.  Stay strong.  Dream big.  Lie in the grass.  Imagine.  Smile more.  Pray.  Listen.  Try new things.  Forgive.  Forget. Volunteer.  Learn something new.  Read more.  Write.  Drink more water. Let go.  Let people in.  Say no.  Don’t be afraid to yes.  Take pictures.  Step out of my comfort zone.  Laugh more.  Spread joy.  Keep it simple.  Relax.  Inspire.  Be awesome.  Blog.  Share.  Multi-task less and focus more.  Walk.  Compliment.  Be confident. LOVE MYSELF.

So here's to a fearless 2014...a year in which I will move forward; forge through the fear and over to the other side...where I am sure many good and wonderful things await.

Now Leaving On Track 7

I love when my dreams reflect or otherwise speak to my waking life.  Last night's dream was me, in a train station, feeling hurried to make sure I made my train.  I was running through the station, wondering if I should stop to use the bathroom first, mentally going through a checklist in my head to make sure I had everything I needed, and questioning whether or not I was going to make it.  All the while, there was a tiny voice in my head that kept telling me to slow down and stop worrying...I would get there.  Seeing/being in a train station indicates that your life is in some sort of transitional period...talk about hitting the nail on the head.  The rushing to make sure I got to my train was a perfect representation of something I just talked to my counselor about last week.  I basically told her that even though I can look back over the past eight months and see the changes I have made, that I still feel sort of stuck and like things are not happening fast enough.  She felt differently...like I had made major progress and that I just needed to be patient.  If I keep doing what I am doing on my personal path to wellness, it, whatever it is, will come.  Even though that is sometimes hard to see, I think she is right. 

Fun Friday

For some reason this didn't post yesterday, so Fun Friday is appearing on Saturday. 

The Harvest Blast at Julia's school was fun!  Julia had the opportunity to wear her costume (pink power ranger) and we walked around her school, participating in different carnival type games.  She won a couple of prizes and got some candy.  She loved it!

Thankful Thursday

Today (and everyday) I am thankful for my husband, and not just because he brought sugar home the other day when I thought we had none (which would have meant no coffee and well, that would have just been tragic).  

We have been maried for 15 years, together for 17.  I can honestly say we have been through a lot...some great, some good, some bad and some just plain awful.  There have been things that might have driven others apart.  We have our issues but one thing we have along with those issues is a true commitment to the vows we took before God, our family and friends.  Through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer.  We have had it all in some form or another and here we stand.  Still together, still strong.

Wordless Wednesday

TV Tuesday

I want to be a part of the Braverman family. Yes...that Braverman family.  There aren't words to describe how much I love the show Parenthood or how much about their son Max reminds me of my Julia.  When he said during the last episode that he was going to support his mother's campaign until he did further research on the other candidates, my first thought was that I could totally see Julia saying something similar.  Max isn't the only thing I love about the Bravermans.  I love their whole dynamic...how they interact, what they stand for and how they support each other through thick and thin.  I am very lucky to have that in my "real life" with my own family.  Not everyone does.

Motivational Monday

"When you feel like quitting, remember why you started."


I love this quote.  For me, remembering why I started this journey is not that hard to do.  It is also a glaring and painful reminder of why I can't go back...why I won't quit.  As painful as it is to remember, the reminder serves as a constant motivating factor to keep on keeping on.

Small Town Sunday

In an effort to update this blog once a day, I am going to try something new...everyday will be a new theme.  Here are some of the themes you will see here:

Small Town Sunday
Sentimental Sunday
Motivational Monday
Manic Monday
Music Monday
Travel Tuesday
TV Tuesday
Wacky Wednesday
Wordless Wednesday
Thankful Thursday
Fun Friday
Silly Saturday
Society Saturday

On Saturday morning I was out in Carver, running errands with my sister.  We went out to breakfast at a restaurant that has been in Carver since we were kids...D's Omelet Shop.  After breakfast we had a bunch of errands to run and every where we went, we saw someone we knew.  Some people might find that annoying.  I love it.  It is so "small town"  and a big part of why I love Carver. 

Changes On the Horizon

Yesterday, I had a follow up appointment with my primary care physician.  Not surprisingly, my blood pressure over the past five months had been through the roof.  Seriously...one reading was so high I wondered how I was still alive.  Anyway, with the help of one medication, a much more peaceful frame of mind, and my life becoming much less worrisome, my blood pressure appears to be back to normal. 

Due to current circumstances I have an immense amount of time on my hands now.  For the past month, the alone time has been fine...and I have been keeping myself busy doing things I enjoy...reading, scrapping, crafting, and photography.  I have every intention of keeping up with those things but the truth is...I need to get out and "rejoin" civilization.  It's not like I have been a hermit but for someone who is used to being out and busy everyday, this being at home thing is just weird.  Anyway, I have been coming up with ideas to get me out of the house.  After my doctor's appointment yesterday, the most obvious place I should be visiting is the gym.  Honestly, besides complete lack of motivation and no desire to go, I have no excuse anymore...or at least not the excuse of not having time.  Coincidently, when I took Julia to the orthopedic surgeon, he recommended that she swim a few times a week to build her muscle tone and "tighten things up." 

So we are joining the Y in Wareham.  Middleboro would be more convenient but the pool is nicer in Wareham and there are other reasons I can't go the location right down the street...at least not yet.  I am hoping that the candid discussion I had with the doctor yesterday, combined with the need for Julia to go will be just enough motivation to tip the scales in my favor, so to speak.

Dream

I was at my parents house visiting.  A large picture frame fell of the wall and smashed to the ground.  After we were done cleaning up, I was sitting down at the kitchen table and looked down at my arm, which had a yellow snake basically attached to it, biting me.  I looked down, and was like, "Huh" and then proceeded to pull the snake off of my arm like it was no big deal.  Afterward my arm immediately swelled up and looked bruised.  We were all standing around, looking at my arm almost in awe but not in a scared or concerned type of way.

A yellow snake in a dream could represent the intellect and how you’re using it to sort through tricky situations. wisdom. Another meaning associated with yellow snakes in dreams is about your intuition, your inner light or guidance, opening to new insight and awareness. Yellow represents the color of the light of the spirit, of consciousness shining through. Dreaming of a yellow snake may be a call to step forward and use your intellect to resolve the a situation or issues in your waking life.

My interpretation:  Being bitten by a yellow snake but not being scared or worried about it, more in awe and amazement than anything else:  Wake up Sharon.  Listen to your intuition, trust in it and be open and aware.

To dream of a picture frame means you dread change. 

My interpretation: In my dream the frame was crashing to the ground.  It's pretty clear to me that the dream was telling me to smash my fear of change.  Don't stay the path just because it is comfortable.

Fresh Picked

There's something really cool about growing your own food.  Even eating fresh picked sounds so much more apetizing than what you buy off of a store shelf.  This morning the girls and I went apple picking and ended up picking our own corn too, which we will eat with dinner.  For some reason there seems to be more pride in even just that...eating something we picked ourselves.  I can imagine this pride is increased ten fold if you grow it yourself. 

I have the perfect yard for a garden...a really big one even if I wanted it to be.  My only problem?  I have no idea where to begin...and I mean no idea...what veggies to plant when, what I need to do specifically regarding digging up the yard for a garden, where to dig the garden (in direct sunlight or shady areas), the best place to get seeds, how often to water etc. etc. etc.  The goal this fall/winter is to research and read up on this. 

Any gardening friends out there with advice, recommended reading etc?

Dreams

I know I say it all of the time...maybe even too much but, I am continually amazed by how true to real life my dreams are.  Generally speaking (though admittedly this is a work-in-progress) I don't consider myself to be a deeply spiritual person.  I want to be; I just don't think I am there yet.  One of  the (maybe the only) times I really feel connected to my spirit is in my dreams.  It is such a deep connection that I struggle to even define it.   It continues to amaze me. 

The most recent example of this connectedness occurred last night.  In my dream, I was running up multiple sets of stairs.  The stairs were very dimly lit and the surroundings were dark. Everything about the setting I was in seemed dark and dreary and had almost an unsafe feeling to it.  In the dream, it was known that if I made it to the top of the stairs, the sunlight would break through and it would be worth all of the hard work to run up the stairs and through the dark dreary conditions.  Someone was constantly behind me telling me not to quit, despite my wanting to several times.  At one of the landings before the next set of stairs my cat, Joey was there.  He was meowing and looking for attention.  The person coaxing me along urged me to pet Joey quickly and then move a long, up the next flight and the next until the sunlight showered over me.  Joey would be fine.  Throughout the dream, I was out of breath, and not entirely sure the end result would be worth the effort it took to get there.

I looked up the three main symbols in the dream; the stairs, the cat and the darkness.  To dream you are climbing a set of stairs means your are trying to reach a higher level of understanding.  You are making progress in your spiritual and emotional journey.  A cat symbolizes an independent spirit, creativity and power.  My own interpretation of seeing Joey there and having the person with me tell me to tend to Joey but keep moving along was a reminder that I need to remember to take care of me...obviously not neglect those who count on me but not to forget or neglect myself in the process.  The darkness was easy enough to interpret...instability, not being able to see a clear, full picture etc.  To dream of sunlight breaking through the darkness means you will overcome your failures. 

The whole dream was very telling but the biggest realization came hours later, after having given this dream some thought.  The biggest symbol in the dream wasn't the stairs, the cat or the darkness.  It was the person coaxing me along, encouraging me and telling me it would all be worth it in the end...because I realized that person was not some random being.  That person was me...or more accurately that "voice in my head" that tells me to keep going, keep moving forward and not to give up. 

Powerful.

How is it...

...that I am reading "The Girls Body Book" in advance of reading it with Julia?  Julia...my baby who is nine years old...who I will have to have the "birds and the bees" talk with literally any day now. 

Yes, I have had the talk twice before.  I am reading the book because I have a feeling that I am going to have to have an arsenal of answers ready to go when I have the talk with Julia.  Emily and Katie had little if any questions (maybe that means I did a great job explaining things...who knows).  Julia just asks a lot of questions...all of the time.  I love that about her...even when she asks questions that I don't have the answer for (like this morning when she asked what would happen if you got to the end of the solar system and tried to "get out of space"). 

I went out on to the deck this morning with the book and a cup of coffee in hand.  I read the first thirty pages and had to stop.  Yes, I realize that I am an emotional sap but the reason I had to stop was because I was so sad.  I know she is nine but it was seriously the first realization that she wasn't "little" anymore.  She is my "baby" and I am sure that is contributing to my emotional state but really?  I should be able to get through a book on the subject of growing up!

Oh, and Emily is out driving with Ryun right now and Katie is in her last year of middle school.

I need a time machine.

Preparing

In preparation for Julia's upcoming appointment with the pediatric orthopedic surgeon, I am going through the list of gross motor skills and when she acquired each.  Some of the big ones I remember...like when she took her first steps at her cousin Jack's christening.  She was 20 months old. 
Going back through her baby book, notes from Early Intervention, progress reports from her PT, OT and ST from preschool through to 1st grade has been emotional.  It is an amazing thing to see how far she has come.  It really is a tribute to her hard work, never give up attitude, and willingness to try.  She still has a few "struggles" yet to overcome but I have no doubt that she will.  That's just how she rolls.

Reading Roundup: Books I Have Read Recently

I am always looking for a good read and take other people's recommendations very much in to account when I make my decisions about what to read next.  Most of my reading lately has been of the self help variety...some I have found on my own and others via recommendations of those who have read the book themselves.  So, in no particular order, we have a list of books I have read recently and a short synopsis of my thoughts on each one.

1.  You Are A Badass:  How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living An Awesome Life by Jen Sincero:  One of the funniest, most straightforward self help books I have ever read, and I have read a lot.  Powerful, motivating, inspiring.

2.  Secrets for Success and Inner Peace by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer:  How have I lived my life so far without Dr. Dyer being a part of it?  To say I am a fan would be an understatement.  My favorite secrets: Give up your personal history and embrace the silence. 

3.  Higher Power: Seeking God in 12 Step Recovery by Douglas D. Himes:  One of the biggest struggles for me in life has always been the concept of  a Higher Power.  To be honest, I am still working on defining my higher power and how it works in my life.  This book helped me in the process of doing just that.  One of my favorite quotes in the book: "It is the essence of God's grace that God cares much more about the person we can become than the person we have been." 

4.  Me Time: Finding the Balance Between Taking Care of Others and Taking Care of Yourself by Jennifer Beall:  Let's be honest...this book was written for me.  Not really...but it should have been.  I took so many notes while reading this book, I should have just copied the whole book word for word.  My favorite quote from this book: "If you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, particularly yourself."  If you are struggling with finding the time to take care of yourself, I highly recommend reading this book.  It is eyeopening!

5.  Awakening to the Wisdom Of Your Soul by P. Lynn Ahearn:  Loved this book.  So many quotes from this book that I highlighted I can't possibly list them all.  Here are a couple:  "There will be a time when you think everything is finished...and that will be the beginning."  "When God is about to do something great, he starts with a difficulty.  When he is about to do something magnificent, he starts with an impossibility."  This book was about listening to your inner voice and trusting your gut.  Highly recommended.

Back To School

The kids go back to school the week after next.  I could go on and on about how quick the summer has gone, what I am doing to prepare for the beginning of the school year or that I can't believe how fast the kids are growing up.  Instead though, my thoughts are focused on one thing and one thing only and that is this:  With respect to one of my kids...this year has got to be better than last.  Because really?  Last year was some version of hell. 

So I am hoping, and praying, and pleading, and whatever else I can do to make it so.  And asking the universe to give me whatever I need to support her and make it not so awful...for her and by extension me.

Secrets of Manifesting

I have been listening to Wayne Dyer's lecture series called the Secrets of Manifesting.  My thoughts on the lecture are probably more suited to my private blog at this point but one of the things that he said regarding food was very interesting.  After trying my coffee this morning with skim milk and honey it seemed fitting, as well as shocking.  Here it is:

In 1900 the average amount of sugar consumed by a person in a day was 18 grams.  Today it is over 300 grams.

Whoa.

Recipe

I have been testing out different recipes lately.  I am sick of cooking the same old things and it just so happens I actually enjoy cooking more when I am trying something new.  Lately, the focus has been on breakfast.  With the start of school just around the corner, I have been looking for quick and easy recipes that can be ready to go in the morning, and possibly even taken to go.  Getting my older two to eat breakfast is something akin to pulling teeth.  They don't enjoy cereal (unless I buy the kind that basically equates to giving them a bowl full of sugar which I refuse to do) an they don't want to take the time to make anything else.  In the case of my oldest, I can understand that.  She has to be up at 5:45 to catch the bus as it is.  I have a collection of recipes that I plan to try on the kids over the next week so we will have a few (I hope) keepers for the start of the school year. 

The first one I have tried is definitely not up there on the healthy side but it does have apples!  Oh, and it was delicious. I substituted gluten free oats so Julia could enjoy this as well (Oats do not actually contain gluten but have a very high chance of cross contamination due to the fields they are grown in.  The oats I buy are grown in fields that do not grow wheat or other gluten containing grains). 

 

Apple Oats Crock

Place 2 sliced apples, 1/4 cup brown sugar, 1 tsp cinnamon, pinch salt in the bottom of the crock pot.
Pour in 2 cups of oatmeal, 2 cups of milk and 2 cups water.
Do NOT stir.
Cook overnight for 8 - 9 hours on low.

I have missed...

...blogging in a more public setting.  I will continue to maintain a private blog, where I will highlight the more personal details of my journey but this is where I will be posting about my everyday life...my happenings in the hood...motherhood.